


“I love you,” he wants to say

by winterscaptsam



Series: Sambucky bingo 2019 [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Sambucky Bingo 2019, The ache of wanting to admit verses not being able to, heartfelt confession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 08:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21115508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterscaptsam/pseuds/winterscaptsam
Summary: Moments Sam wants to admit the love he has for Bucky while not being able to VS one moment he can.





	“I love you,” he wants to say

By the second week of moving in together, Sam has, quite proudly he might add, memorized exactly how Bucky likes his breakfast. Scrambled eggs a light shade of yellow, “no darker than the sun,” as Bucky himself would like to say, parsley laid out like a cross so it’s on all the right edges of the plate, maybe a small strip of bacon, crisp and warm and Sam’s favorite part, the coffee. 

Those two college years working as a barista really paid off, he’d fill Bucky’s espresso up to the rim, steady his hand and start creating designs (specifically designed for Bucky) with its foam. Sometimes he’d draw on a star, perfectly detailed, its edges as sharp as Sam meant them to be, maybe Bucky’d notice the meaning behind it. 

On one of his bad days, he wrote a simple phrase, small but clear,  _ cheer up grumpy,  _ with a reasonable attempt at a silly face. It made Bucky smile, not enough to reach his eyes but smile nonetheless and what more could he ask for? 

This time, Sam considers a heart. That could be a simple way of confession, right? An ‘I love you’ without the whole fiasco, without the awkward stumbling of words, without the  _ oh shit it’s too early, I should’ve waited a year, can he hear my heart or am I already in heaven? Definitely not in heaven if I’m not getting a response.  _ In other terms, Sam thinks a heart on his morning espresso would be a great way of confessing his love. 

It’s not that they haven’t said ‘I love you’ before, of course they have. The prolonged sigh after a long day of work to see Sam brought Thai for dinner, “oh god, you’re a gem Sammy, I love you!”

And he can’t help but shuffle a simple smile, whisper an “I know you do,” wonders if Bucky knows how much meaning those words hold. How many broken nights caused to nightmares Sam wishes he could whisper an infinite amount of I love you’s and it’d soothe Bucky to sleep, that the words meant as much to Bucky as they did to him. 

Bucky drinks up the espresso without a second look, swallowing up the heart as Sam felt his own sink down. 

~~~~~

_ _

He remembers what Nat said to him once, how she’s constantly looking behind her back, remembers calling her paranoid, feels like a damn hypocrite at nights like these.

It’s sometime in the AM, the trees are lightly brushing against the three story building, air a gentle breeze but made him feel anything but warm. Beside him, Bucky, snuggled up to the edge of the bed, covers draped over his waist. 

And even with the edging of a nightmare Sam could feel coming, just watching Bucky, at bliss, eyelids drawn closed with a soft breathing pattern, drooling at the side of the lips forming a pool of saliva on Sam’s pillow that he would pretend to be mad about in the morning. 

It’s peaceful, hopes he’ll wake up with the same silent peace but that’s a wish too much. 

It starts with the falling; always does. His father's blood on his hands as he remembers his life taken away at the hands of another and yet the thick crimson red slicked through his fingers and made its mark. Within the second, blood turned to sand as he watches Riley fall, screaming, screaming, screaming, screaming-

“Sam! Heyhey, relax, it’s me,” 

Flooded by his own sweat, Sam wakes up to his own scream of horrors, can’t decide how long he was screaming for and how much of it was a dream, feels his heartbeat quickens with the soft pressure of Bucky’s warm hand holding against him, as if keeping his heart in place. 

“Deep breaths, you’re okay, you’re okay, it was just a dream, you’re okay,” and the soft repetitive tone Bucky’s voice whispered was enough to calm him back under the covers, Bucky following with him, keeping his palm to Sam’s cheek, brushing away the salt tears. 

“Bucky,” his voice hoarse and broken, the words at the top of his lips, a whisper of love, only to say thank you.

“Go to sleep,” Sam receives a whisper back, a soothing hum in an attempt to get him to fall into a gentle slumber.

_ I love you _ , he wants to say, “thank you,” he manages instead. 

~~~~~

“S-Sam?” A stretched out echo of a voice is now entering through the comns, captures it as Bucky’s and god, if that’s the last thing he gets to hear then that’s all that he could ask for. 

He didn’t expect to find himself like this. Stuck, helpless, knocking at death's door, begging to make it quick. 

_ Two minutes left. _

“Sam. I’m gonna need you to listen to me carefully, scope out the room, tell me what you see,” 

He could hear the hope in his voice. How even from miles apart, heartbeats away that hope strained in his voice, how could he be the one to let it shatter by the weight of a few words. 

_ One minute left.  _

“Bucky-“

“Just let me think for a second, would ya?” A shaky breath, rare but heavy, “okay, just- we’ve already got different bases on look, we’ll find you in no time, alright? Just keep a lookout on your surroundings and-“

“Buck.”

_ 30 seconds left.  _

Last words. Does it matter as much as it does to you as the people you left them behind for? 

“It’s okay, you don’t- I’m fine, it’s okay,” the sting of tears in his eyes, can hear a loss of breath from the other end of the comn. 

_ 20 seconds left.  _

A soft breath almost as gentle as morning a breeze, it’s his chance to say it. To confess of something they already know yet to feel the weight off his shoulders as the words turn to air, hopes they’ll plaster themselves to Bucky. 

_ 10 seconds left. _

And he doesn’t need a confession back, doesn’t need the comforting honey sweet voice telling him the love goes both ways. He doesn’t need anything apart from the words to finally fall from his lips, 

_ 5 seconds left.  _

“I love you,” he whispers. 

Bucky can’t figure out how late he is, seconds, minutes late? Wishes he had the chance to say the words years ago. To say them like Sam had said them to him. 

He closes his eyes, flushing back a pool of tears,  _ I love you,  _ he wants to say, “Sam?” He calls out instead. 

**Author's Note:**

> To be fair, I don’t know what this turned out to be but I hope you enjoyed. From tHe SFW prompt, heartfelt confession.


End file.
